I remember this time in life very well, the years of struggle were starting to take their toll, for as long as I can recall I was just locked in a rut of working, playing shows, rehearsing, recording and keeping on going with no regard for myself in any way. I have a strong memory of one night in particular. I was fast alseep only to get woken up by a vertigo attack, my eye balls were literally spinning, I was vomiting. I would spend the next thirteen months of my life "DIZZY", basically I was running myself into the ground and I wasn't listening to my body, I thought I could just carry on like a robot. After having tests done it was confirmed that I was pretty much on the edge of collapse, it was really serious, the diagnosis was referred to as 'derealisation'. I took time out of everything, I had to really reevaluate my existence.
I guess in some strange way the timing was perfect, the house we had a room in was going to be sold and whilst I was resting up I managed to find a flat for sale in SE London, Charlton. Because my time in north London had been so strained I wanted to get as far away as possible and start a new life. And that is where I am now as I sit and write this blog entry. I'd like to say that it was all roses, but it became clear that I really hadn't taken anything from my past experiences on board, mainly regarding my relationship to self.
I may have moved miles away from where I was but the music industry was the same from anywhere you went at it. After a few months to adjust I found myself working shitty jobs again and rehearsing most nights until about 1 am. Same story, different faces, after another six or so years on the same road and the same process, I just didn't know what the hell I wanted anymore.
It was funny because it was at this point I really started to think about my angling again. Somewhere deep inside it was registering that due to my total commitment to my music I had pretty much forgotten how to live a normal life. As I have mentioned earlier in this post, my angling is the place I have always gone to meet up with happiness. This was when I joined Kingfisher Angling society and made sure I got out as much as I could. The clarity I felt back on the bank again was pretty surreal, it was where I was suppose to be at that time and space.
A Simple Bar Of Gold
Not really knowing exactly what my fishing gave me, it was very clear that it filled a void inside, a space that couldn't be filled by anything else. Running unison with this was the ever infected musical journey that was slowly killing me. Within the first few years of the move I had already been chewed up and spat out by B-Unique Records and put through major stress and disappointment with a set of showcases for pretty much every major label in the UK. From this it looked like my life long ambition was finally going to happen, only for it all to be whipped away in the final moments.
I had a few pretty big offers come my way around this time but I was totally committed to the band Dogs. I believed in Dogs more than anything I had ever done before so I wasn't willing to go and be a synthetic 'drummer' for some commercial plasticine act, Dogs was real, we had a natural chemistry for writing music. The ride was chaos with a fan base all over the country and around the globe.
The gigs were utter carnage and playing for fans that adored the band was an incredible feeling. But with time I just didn't feel like I was getting what I needed and like every band you end up joining, it starts off with the right intentions but when you see the same patterns and problems beginning to show, it's very hard to keep a level head, I think by this time my flame had finally flickered. When I decided to leave Dogs, that was when the slippery slope really started.
Dogs 100 Club
With an illness that shows no physical scars you don't know if you are repairing, you just have to have faith that your system will come home and time will eventually stitch all your pieces back together again. For me my angling is a thread and a very strong one a that, I believe it will carry me through and one day I will wake up to a peace that at the moment is still long forgotten.
Times have changed so much and we are living in a very instant society, now with the internet everything is conducted by the push of a button. It's easy to buy, sell, communicate and as we've all seen via platforms such as facebook...., it's easy to abuse and put down others. The most valid point I would like to make, especially regarding social networks is - don't judge someone on 'how you see them' and don't be so quick to shoot a knee-jerk reaction their way that may cause upset or unhappiness. You have no idea of their situation or what they might be living with or going through.
As I have already stated, in carp angling as in all walks of life there is dispute, people hellbent on creating failure for others. There is no need for any of it, carping is something we all participate in, we are all in it together and each and everyone one of us plays a vital roll in it's future. 'the subject of otters is for another day'
Get out there and breathe the air, feel the minutes, welcome the seconds and make the most of the time you have on the bank and on this earth. Enjoy what you do and take everything you can from it, if you feel the magic has gone, create your own and keep it close to your heart.
I wish you all the best of luck on your journey not only as a angler but as a human. However hard it gets there is always a way through, there is always hope glimmering on the horizon line, set your sights on it and go for the grab.
I would like to deeply thank everyone that has taken the time to read this post, and I hope you can draw at least some inspiration from it.
Be Lucky !!!